Eifersucht und Polyamorie

Jealousy and polyamory

Eifersucht und Polyamorie

People of all ages have sexual problems.

Jealousy is a big topic in many relationships, but especially in polyamores. For many people, this is exactly the reason why they don’t have such a relationship. The fear of jealousy is often greater than the desire for change. If you want to live openly and not monogamous, you should learn to deal with your jealousy.

Jealousy has many causes

Jealousy is usually a mixture of different feelings. Perhaps you are afraid of being abandoned. It may also make you angry to lose the feeling of alleged control over your partner. Some people feel ashamed for being devalued, or sad because they fear they will lose their exclusive status in the relationship. In order for an open or polyamorous relationship to succeed, the feeling of jealousy mustn’t be stigmatized. Prepare yourself for situations in which you feel jealous.

Don’t let jealousy unsettle you

Take precautions for such situations. Visit a friend you can talk to. Or do other things that you enjoy. Don’t put pressure on yourself if you feel jealous. You can’t deny feelings. But you can learn to deal with it better. Many people are annoyed and doubtful about themselves because they believe it’s better to put up with or to endure this feeling.

Jealousy can only be reduced gradually

Surely it’s a widespread ideal in the polyamorous scene to be happy in pluralistic relationship. For this to occur, though, you first have to learn to overcome jealousy, or maybe even to convert it into positive feelings like joy. You need a lot of patience and need to practice continuously. If you have experienced jealousy many times and have “survived”, the feeling of jealousy will gradually lose its terror. This is especially true if your partner is cooperative and loving.

Be considerate of each other’s jealous feelings

Don’t let jealousy break the balance of your relationship. This can occur if your partner gives the new person significantly more energy than to your existing partnership, for example in the form of time, gifts, attention, or intimacy. In this case, you need to talk to your partner and renegotiate. Your primary relationship shouldn’t become negative or deficient as a result of a new liaison.

If such a destructive asymmetry arises and no solution is found, the relationship may break. But the ideal of polyamory is a win-win situation for everyone involved. If everyone ends up feeling better than before, the open relationship has been successful. Everyone should benefit from this relationship, grow in personality, and experience something new.

In polyamorous relationships, you come into contact with the topic of jealousy again and again. Accept these situations consciously, but don’t allow the pain to overwhelm you. It’s better to distract yourself and do something nice. If you are repeatedly triggered by certain situations, avoid them. This requires an arrangement that both sides can implement.

Let the wind blow into the relationship

Another important point is participation. Be willing to share with your partner what you are experiencing. Bring it home and let your relationship participate. Ideally, those involved like each other and form friendships. It’s a fine art, though, and requires a great deal of sensitivity from the person in the center of the relationship constellation.

Find a ritual that suits you

Find a personal ritual with your partner that will restore closeness as quickly as possible when there is a feeling of division. If it doesn’t work right away, try different rituals and talk about your experiences. Don’t be afraid to reject strategies and try new things. This lengthy process requires patience and the desire to work individually and collectively on the relationship. Very few of us have learned to deal with jealousy.

How is your self-esteem?

Try to be in your heart and in the moment. If you’re extremely jealous, you should monitor your self-esteem. Does your well-being depend solely on how much recognition and love your partner gives you? If your entire foundation rests upon your partner, it’s unfortunately not stable.

Check if it is really jealousy

The negative feeling is not always jealousy. Perhaps you are unsettled and afraid of the unknown situation. You can consciously change your perspective. The philosopher Roland Barthes believes that we make ourselves jealous. If you are the origin of this emotion, you can also actively influence it. A first helpful step is to start talking to your partner. As difficult as it may often be, situations will surely repeat themselves. Gradually it will become easier to recognize feelings and deal with them.

Practice self-love and self-esteem

Self-love is also an essential component to get jealousy under control. You can only be loved if you love yourself. By considering yourself lovable and valuable, you free yourself of all dependencies. This will significantly alleviate your jealousy as you witness what you yourself have to offer the relationship. Don’t be discouraged if this seems unreachable at the beginning. Be compassionate with yourself and with your partner. Both are in a process of learning and growing together.

Fire alarm jealousy – cooling brings help

In a polyamorous relationship, it is important that you speak openly and honestly about your jealousy with your partner. You can compare jealousy to a fire alarm that goes on in your home. You become alert and feel that something is wrong. At first, however, you cannot classify what exactly that is. If you don’t turn off the fire alarm, you’ll find it hard to figure out exactly what’s wrong. How can this cooling occur? How can this cooling occur?

Focus on the feeling in your body

If you find yourself becoming jealous, the first step is to respond to the stress that is occurring in your body. Take a deep breath and try to find out where you feel the feeling in your body. Do you feel it in your stomach area, on your neck, or in your shoulders? Use the power of your breath. You can consciously prolong the inhalation and exhalation. Put your hands on your chest and direct your breath to the part of the body where jealousy burns the most. If you draw attention to this area, the breath will cool the heat. You will automatically calm down and with a few repetitions you will learn to distance yourself from the feeling.

Practice Faith in Uncertainty

Another way to cope better with jealousy in a polyamorous relationship is to practice relating better to the unknown. What happens when your partner is on a date? Do you think of the worst scenarios in your head? Are you afraid of losing your partner to this person?

Become aware of the stories you tell yourself, and change them. Focus on things you’ve actively experienced or what you can actually influence, rather than all the unknown variables. This could be the last vacation you shared with your partner, pleasant memories with them, or plans for the coming weekend together. Practice faith and surrendering to the unknown–you are never fully in control of what happens, anyway.

The most common reasons for jealousy:

Fear of being abandoned

If you are very afraid that your partner will leave you, it’s worth taking a critical look at your self-esteem. Do you present yourself as a lovable, attractive person who is worth living in love? Or do you only feel full when you are with your partner? Your self-esteem should never depend on another person. If you are very afraid of loss, you should work specifically to strengthen your self-confidence.

Fear of being excluded

Do you often have the feeling that you are missing out in your partnership? Would you like your partner to spend more time with you? This side of jealousy is closely related to envy and the constant comparison of who comes off bett If your partner is more attractive than you, it may be easier for him or her to attract other people. Don’t bury yourself at home, go out and meet people. In polyamory, the satisfaction of everyone involved increases when both partners have roughly the same number of external relationships.


Perhaps you have had bad experiences in the past and therefore unconsciously do not trust your partner: you fear, for example, that he or she will fall in love with someone else. First, become aware of whether you are really ready for polyamory. Then talk to your partner about honesty and set clear priorities in your relationship. Basically, you should work on your self-confidence and, if necessary, solve old childhood issues in order to get out of distrust and open yourself to love..

Seven Tips to reduce the impact of jealousy:

1. Work continuously on your self-esteem
2. Address any grievances in good time
3. Be aware of exactly what makes you jealous and change these situations if possible
4. Actively seek out opportunities for yourself so that you do not fall into the victim role
5. Visualize a positive reaction on your part in advance when you meet the partner again
6. Review your beliefs about love
7. Take full responsibility for your jealousy

A first-aid kit to remedy jealous feelings:

Do not give more room to your pain, but find healthy distractions. It’s best to do something physical, such as yoga, dancing, or jogging.

When you’re angry, let your anger out. Go to the forest, for example, and scream out loud. You might also punch a pillow or punching bag.

Treat yourself to something that makes you feel good.

Notice exactly where the emotion is expressed in your body and breathe consciously into this place.


In polyamorous relationships, you come into contact with the topic of jealousy again and again. Accept these situations consciously, but don’t allow the pain to overwhelm you. It’s better to distract yourself and do something nice. If you are repeatedly triggered by certain situations, avoid them. This requires an arrangement that both sides can implement. Remain realistic in your agreements; every step, however small, brings change.. Especially at the beginning of a polyamorous relationship, it is usually not possible without compromises. The most important thing is open communication with your partner and honest intentions

Sexual problems

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Eifersucht und Polyamorie

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